Pappadeaux-Westminster, CO-by Dunkterfunk

May 8, 2008 at 4:00 pm | Posted in Restaurant Reviews, Restaurants & Food | 1 Comment
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Holy Fucking Frytastic! Bring your wallet and your difibulator cause it’s on at Pappadeaux. Pappadeaux is a Creole and Cajun themed seafood kitchen. Bacons, Johnny Ringo, the lovely Jenn and I visited this glory to gluttony one night after about three bourbon and cokes. Okay, only I had three bourbon and cokes.

We were seated and began to peruse the story of the menu. This thing was expansive! I am pretty sure Noah was in the back herding two of every animal into a vat of hot boiling oil. Despite Ringo’s worry about the chewiness of gator meat, we decided to start our feast with the fried alligator tail appetizer and the fried calamari. The alligator was not chewy at all and came with a creole dipping so good it’d make ya wanna smack yo mama! The Calamari was like biting into a soft cloud of titties. Whoever was on the fryer that night was a true artist.

At this point I was about four drinks and two deep fried appetizers in and was starting to get full. However, I was now in cajun country where 1000 calories is just getting started. Not to mention the stuffed swordfish on the wall was giving me the eye like I was some pussy who can’t handle his fried food. So I did what any man would do and ordered the crawfish platter. I was served a platter roughly the size of Rocky Dennis’ head. On one side was about 30 fried crawfish. On the other was a mess of crawfish etoufee. Separating the two like coach in a high school brawl was a heap of dirty rice. For the southern culturally deficient, dirty rice is rice with meat in it such as ground beef. Often it is chicken livers or giblets with peppers, celery and onion, however, Pappadeaux uses the less adventurous ground beef. The dirty rice was perfectly mixed in with the etoufee. It was a nice break from all of the fried food. I was actually starting to sweat peanut oil.

Bacons had the King Crab Legs which were definitely good. However, the best thing about his dish was the ingenious little device Pappadeaux provides to remove the sweet, succulent crab meat from its calcified prison. It’s a mix between garden shears and scissors and was perfect for getting through the shell without ripping your hands apart.

Jenn had the fried oyster platter. Once again, Frymaster J showed his prowess by presenting a perfectly cooked pillow of oyster goodness blanketed by a crispy, crunchy batter. Jenn actually only ate two of these as Bacons and myself assaulted her plate like a couple of chimpanzees.

After all of this our waiter had the audacity to offer dessert. We had key lime pie, but not before I asked our waiter how many customers he has seen fall out in cardiac arrest. He said he has not seen it yet, but was waiting for the day. I’m pretty sure the staff has a betting pool going on this, but I digress. The pie was a perfect cold creamy treat to settle the oil settling in our guts.

I then went home so full that I molted my skin and did not eat for 3 days. And by 3 days I mean 3 hours.

Overall, Pappadeaux delivers exactly what it promises. There were steamed, grilled and boiled options on the menu, but an overwhelming majority of the food is deep fried, just like it is in ‘Nawlins. If you prefer steamed fish and a watercress salad, then you are advised to find somewhere in Boulder. If you got a wild hair and want to strap on the feedbag then this is definitely your place.

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The Red Lion Inn – Boulder

April 26, 2008 at 6:17 pm | Posted in Restaurant Reviews, Restaurants & Food | Leave a comment
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This pathetic excuse for a restaurant is located in a couple miles up Boulder Canyon outside of Boulder, Colorado. I thought that this would be a good place to take my Dad when he was out visiting for Thanksgiving. Wrong. We arrived at the restaurant at 6pm, only to find out that they had “lost” our reservation. No problem, right? Not so much… We waited for over 45 minutes while people that came after us were gOne of the shittiest restaurants in Boulderetting seated. Eventually we were seated at a table for two that was virtually in a hallway. No big deal – we were both starving and happy to be one step closer to our Thanksgiving turkey dinner. We receive our menus and hear about the specials, and are ready to put in our obvious Thanksgiving order when the waitress returns. Wait, what? The coke-whore who’s taking our order informs us that they have ran out of turkey and it’s 7pm. Awesome planning, you idiots. Since then, I’ve heard that this happens about every year from others that have this same experience. I guess that they find it strange that lots of people order turkey on Thanksgiving. It’s a really strange phenomenon that’s pretty hard to predict. So, the waitress gives us our menus back and tells us that they have lots of other dishes to choose from. Aside from being unhelpful, she’s being bitchy as hell, so I take myself downstairs to talk to the manager.

The manager decides that the best way to resolve this situation is to start accusing me of having unreasonable expectations of their restaurant instead of making even the smallest attempt to resolve the situation. I asked him if they’d be willing to extend the same price of the turkey special to any of the other dishes on the menu. He snaps at me, says no, and tells me he’s going to “see if there is enough in the kitchen for two more turkey plates.”

I go back to the table, and the waitress arrives shortly after with two of the driest plates of meat that I’ve ever seen. We both got a drumstick, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and vegetables. The turkey was inedible, and had obviously been in the oven for about 3 hours too long. Upon informing the waitress of this, she tells me that it’s what I wanted so they won’t exchange it for anything else.

Back downstairs to talk to the manager… I talked to him about getting something else in place of the inedible food that we received. He gave us the same answer that he was unwilling to replace the food with another option. My dad and I finished what we could salvage from our plates and left.

I wrote the Red Lion a letter after this night, explaining my discontent. The letter was met with no apology, a lengthy explanation of why it is unfair to be upset about the lack of customer service, and a card good for one drink at their bar. As far as I’m concerned, they can take their drink card and shove it up their asses. I will never be back, and would caution anybody about eating there.

This is not the only time that I’ve been there. The customer service is consistently beyond poor, the food is overpriced and usually poorly cooked. The wait staff and management is rude and condescending. I know people that have worked there and they say that the place is ridden with sewage issues, that often flood the kitchen. The owners have a reputation of being drug addicts, so maybe none of this is surprising. Maybe they should stick to doing lines and leave the restaurant business to the ones that are good at it.

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